Monday, October 5, 2015

1 Month // the heartache begins

"Enjoy the feeling of closeness you have with your baby during this time, because this child does not really belong to you.  Birth is merely the first step in letting go.  And before long you will see he was never really yours to have." 
Dear Milo,  
Its hard to believe that it's been a month since we first laid eyes on one another.  Since then we haven't been apart for more than a couple hours...and even that's been only once or twice.  We're pretty much best friends :)  But as I hold you, my heart aches with the realization that each moment is one that slips away too quickly.  Especially with a baby who seems to be growing at a super-human rate. The fleeting nature of life makes love so unbelievably crushing.  I know I'll have to say goodbye to this baby I'm holding in exchange for the toddler, boy and man you'll become.  I realize I can't hold on as tightly as I would like to - not to you, not to any particular phase - but that doesn't keep me from grasping at what I can with pictures and words.

This first month has been a blur, but its been good.  You're thankfully not fussy or colicky, but you DO want to eat at minimum every 2 hours.  Around the clock.  So I basically haven't slept in 30 days.  Lucky for you, you're "#4" and things like sleeplessness don't get to your momma the way it used to.  I have learned to surrender to this early stage completely.  Besides, snuggling you into the wee hours of the morning is my job.  And even with heavy eyelids, I love it.

I can feel our hearts being knit together when its just us two late at night and the rest of the house is sleeping. The other night you were wide awake so I got up and walked you around the room.  I stopped in front of the large oval mirror to capture a mental image of me holding you.  I noticed the roundness of your bottom as you curled up against me.  The dark moonlit reflection showed the slight roundness of my belly too...the aftermath of another pregnancy still very visible on my body.  Not that I mind.  It's proof that I helped create you.  I closed my eyes and promised myself I wouldn't forget how the weight of your littleness feels in my arms or how your hair smells or the sound of your little newborn noises.  These quiet, sleepy moments with you are precious and I try not to let my exhaustion cloud how special these times are.

It's been a good start to life, my sweet Milo and I couldn't love you more.

My whole heart,

"What are you looking at, bunny...."
Here are a few pictures from your first month at home...
Headed home.
First day at home.
 First bath.
 We all spend a lot of time in your nursery.  You like to lay here...
...and your brothers like to color pages and pages of pictures dedicated to you :)
I love how portable newborns are :)
 Your first morning at home with the big brothers.
Milo, the first time Max held you he said, "he's so cute I feel like I'm gonna cry."  He's been so good with you and I told him that he'll make a good daddy someday.  But he said, "I just want to become a big brother again and's the best."

Sullivan is very attentive and sweet to you too.  He told me "I love this new baby, mom.  You definitely got the right one."  I agree with him :)

Lots of love in this house!