Vacation: From Anxiety to Adventure

Escaping to Mexico mid-January may seem like a dream, but the truth is leaving behind four kids is STRESSFUL! There's so much stuff.  So many lists.  So many schedules.  By the time everyone and everything was squared away I asked Billy if he even wanted to go on vacation with me anymore.  Ha!  (but, seriously)

The act of leaving our children is physically painful for me.  I cry and inevitably want to back out of every trip we've ever been on post-children. Billy convinces me I'll be fine once we get there, but that doesn't stop my mind from racing and my heart from beating anxiously all the way to the airport.  I'm positive I've neglected to do something. Oh well, too late now.  I hope my kids know I love them and that I'm coming back. What if they all get the stomach flu and infect our entire family (<--this one actually did happen unbeknownst to us during the vacation)

However, once we stepped off the plane and breathed in the warm air I was cured.  We needed this.  I changed into a sundress and flip flops in the airport restroom.  The sadness and guilt of leaving the kiddos melted away in the 80 degree sun as we waited for our driver.

When we got to our resort we did exactly n o t h i n g.  Nothing feels so awkward when you're very accustomed to doing all the things.

Nothing consisted of:  Reading.  Full books.  Books, PLURAL.  We ate and slept and ate and dozed in the sun and walked on the beach and listened to the waves for hours.  We played card games, connected and talked...and really listened.  At night we danced until my feet were so sore I had to walk back to the hotel barefooted (because good choices are made after a little tequila). We got massages on the beach -  $20 for 70 minutes?!   The price alone was a good enough excuse to get a massage daily. It was incredible.

The only day we actually did anything was on our last day when we decided the vacation needed a little adventure and we swam the underground rivers at Xcaret, which I highly recommend to anyone planning to visit the area.

Lots of dancing.  If you want a fun vacation I highly recommend you take Bill Murray :)

Early morning walks.

Although the resort we stayed at was technically a family resort we saw probably 3 children total during our stay. Everytime we saw a kid we were like "Hi!  We have kids.  Can we talk to your kid?  Is that a baby?  I might steal your baby..."  Kids on romantic vacations are super fun when you're not responsible for them ;)

Dear boys,

We missed you so much, but we take time away so we can give you the most important thing...a mom and dad who are happy and whole.  We are the center of our family and we want to be the strong foundation you deserve.  Being your parents is the best thing we've ever done.  By taking time away we are investing in us and in you.  Our future and our collective happiness.  Just a few days away to reconnect yields incredible results...I hope you remember that when you're married someday (and we'll watch your kids!! :)  I put these pictures from our trip on the blog because we want you to see who we are outside of being your parents.  We're real people (if you can believe that!) and we truly have fun together.

We love you so much, but we loved each other first.

Our whole hearts,

Momma & Dad

PS.  We cannot wait for our next FAMILY vacation!  Those are pretty awesome too :)

Milo // 4 Months

Dear Milo,

A new year, another milestone.
A lot has changed since your last "monthly post".

This baby version of you will always remind me of Boobo since this is how he knew you.

I'm sad that you didn't get to know him well, but I will always make sure you know him through my memories.  His grandchildren were one of his greatest joys and he loved you so much.

Although your brothers had more time with him, I want you to know the special role you played in his life as well.  You were the only grandkid that was with him until the end.  The only one able to spend time with him when we didn't think it would be good for the older kids to visit.  The one who brought comfort and peace to us all when we were huddled together at the hospital sad and worried.  Big shoes for a baby to fill, but you did it with ease.  Nothing combats grief like an innocent baby smile.  

Thank you for playing that special role in your Boobo's life.  You were there for him when he needed you.  And I hope you're always able to feel his love.

My whole heart,

Momma

//a few 4-month photo shoot outtakes//

Milo says "Ugh. This one. He's a little unpredictable, Mom..."

Stats:

19 lbs // 98th percentile

26 inches // 85th percentile

Comfort & Joy

Comfort and joy were hard to come by this year, however I did catch tiny glimpses of both.  

In reminiscing with family, in long hugs, in the kids' pure excitement, in chocolate chip meringue cookies.  

And in giving...even when our hearts were hurting.

It was there.

All of these things and much more are just glimpses of the promise that life will go on.  My Dad will live on in us.  

And we will have comfort and joy in abundance again.

To add to our mental reel of memories...a few things that kept us going this holiday season:

Caroling.  Singing their little Christmas hearts out :)

Celebrating the birth of a King.

The boys' vision for their fort coming to life.

And then Christmas came...

Max's three gifts.
wooden castle + dragon puppet, science experiments for my self-proclaimed "scientist" and a fireworks launcher.

Sullivan's three gifts.
Joinks and a marble run for my guy who loves building anything and everything and a wooden parking garage.

Fletcher's three gifts.
A sleeping bag for my little fox, magnetic truck/blocks and a classic carousel.

Milo's three gifts.
A moose rocker for "milo the moose", a spinning top and classic See & Say.

Stockings
Max - Explorer book, more "knights + dragons" for his castle, boat in a bottle
Sully - Royals book, wooden ship puzzle, helicopter transformer

Fletcher - alphabet book, take apart vehicles, road tape

Milo - Peek a Boo card set and Dada book written by our favorite, Jimmy Fallon.  I also threw in a few old baby toys I had in the basement...he didn't notice ;)

Our group gift to the boys seems so basic, but its something they all love - COLORING!  I bought them a giant roll of paper since we always run out and made them little individual coloring boxes.  I included stamps and homemade crayons in each box.

Also, the book "I love you the purplest" is about a mom of boys (one even named Max!) and how she loves them equally, but differently.  Plus people who know me well know that my favorite, favorite color ever is purple...so this book spoke to me on many levels :)

We had to wake these sleepy heads up!

 Merry, Murray Christmas.

A fragile adventure

Life is a fragile adventure.  
I've faced one of my worst nightmares and I'm still here.  Surviving the blow.  It's shocking how quickly things in life can be taken from you.  So fragile we all are.

Now that the raw pain of my Dad's passing has subsided (its transformed into more of a dull ache), I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for the person he was.  He was just easy to be around...laid back, welcoming and nonjudgmental. And he was a blast.  He lived big and we always wanted to be near him. Oh, how I adored him.  

Although we didn't get the quantity of years we wanted, we definitely got quality in the years we had.

Jennifer and I were just talking about one of the more recent (pre-illness) conversations we had with him.  He said to us "I'd do anything in the world for you, baby girls. Anything."  Jenni and I just laughed and said "We know, Dad..."  Because he was always professing his love like that.  Both sweet and dramatic :)  We knew and felt the depth of his love for us always.

The unconditional, boundless love my Dad gave me made my heart what it is today - big and open and strong.  It's because of his love that my heart is able to hold this profound grief without breaking into a million tiny pieces that could never be put back together again.  I will hold this loss in my heart always.  I will make room for it to live among the love and happy memories and hope and pride that also reside within it.

His life may not be on earth anymore but his love will never leave me.

Milo // 3 Months

As we celebrate your 3 month milestone, Milo, I must admit my heart is heavy with worry about your Boobo.  He's been in the hospital since the week after Fletcher's birthday.  Although these updates are supposed to be about YOU, I cannot write this post to you without acknowledging this very difficult time for our family.

You and Boobo just days before he was admitted to the hospital for ARDS.

You've been accompanying me to the hospital to cheer him up.  Your sweet smile has brought him joy and I've been so happy to be able to contribute something, anything, when we all feel very helpless.  When he's awake I put you on his lap so he can watch you smile and coo.  You're oblivious to the machines and tubes that surround us.  There's so much love in your squishy little bundle of roundness.  I have to believe there's healing power in that.  Love is the best medicine.   

Your Boobo is the coolest, most kind-hearted, generous, toughest, hilarious, loving guy you could ever hope to have on your side.  His life experiences/stories have kept me entertained and in awe for as long as I've been alive.  I can't wait for him to get better so you can find out for yourself how lucky we are to have him in our lives.

You and Boobo on Halloween.

In the meantime, we're trying to keep things as normal as possible around here.  Including keeping up with my moment-capturing...  

Happy 3 months, little guy.  Life continues to happen all around us...as hard and as beautiful as that is.