Milo // 2 months

So here we are, dear Milo.  2 months.  

You've woken up to the world this past month.  You're finally seeing the life around you.  And smiling.  

Oh my heart, darling boy...that smile is radiant.

In the beginning of nurturing a new little person it's all give, give, give.  I've given up sleep, my arms, regular showers, hot meals.  I belong to you and your needs around the clock.  And I'm tired.  But with one joyful grin from you, everything feels ok.

It's the first sign of reciprocity.  A tiny milestone.

Your little smile reminds me that I will get a full nights sleep again.  I will actually miss the late night feedings when they're over for good.  I won't always be a milk-machine and perpetual diaper-changer.  That smile will one day become a hug and eventually an "I love you".  But right now that sweet smile says it all. It gives me strength to keep going and perspective on this precious life I've been given.  

A first smile is worth a thousand words.  And it means the world to me.

My whole heart,
Momma

Stats:

15lbs 10oz (>99 percentile)

@ his 2 month appoinment

The big brothers have been calling you "Smil-o" because you're such a smiley little guy these days :)

1 Month // the heartache begins

"Enjoy the feeling of closeness you have with your baby during this time, because this child does not really belong to you.  Birth is merely the first step in letting go.  And before long you will see he was never really yours to have." 

-Unknown

Dear Milo,  

Its hard to believe that it's been a month since we first laid eyes on one another.  Since then we haven't been apart for more than a couple hours...and even that's been only once or twice.  We're pretty much best friends :)  But as I hold you, my heart aches with the realization that each moment is one that slips away too quickly.  Especially with a baby who seems to be growing at a super-human rate. The fleeting nature of life makes love so unbelievably crushing.  I know I'll have to say goodbye to this baby I'm holding in exchange for the toddler, boy and man you'll become.  I realize I can't hold on as tightly as I would like to - not to you, not to any particular phase - but that doesn't keep me from grasping at what I can with pictures and words.

This first month has been a blur, but its been good.  You're thankfully not fussy or colicky, but you DO want to eat at minimum every 2 hours.  Around the clock.  So I basically haven't slept in 30 days.  Lucky for you, you're "#4" and things like sleeplessness don't get to your momma the way it used to.  I have learned to surrender to this early stage completely.  Besides, snuggling you into the wee hours of the morning is my job.  And even with heavy eyelids, I love it.

I can feel our hearts being knit together when its just us two late at night and the rest of the house is sleeping. The other night you were wide awake so I got up and walked you around the room.  I stopped in front of the large oval mirror to capture a mental image of me holding you.  I noticed the roundness of your bottom as you curled up against me.  The dark moonlit reflection showed the slight roundness of my belly too...the aftermath of another pregnancy still very visible on my body.  Not that I mind.  It's proof that I helped create you.  I closed my eyes and promised myself I wouldn't forget how the weight of your littleness feels in my arms or how your hair smells or the sound of your little newborn noises.  These quiet, sleepy moments with you are precious and I try not to let my exhaustion cloud how special these times are.

It's been a good start to life, my sweet Milo and I couldn't love you more.

My whole heart,
Momma

"What are you looking at, bunny...."

Here are a few pictures from your first month at home...

Headed home.

First day at home.

 First bath.

 We all spend a lot of time in your nursery.  You like to lay here...

...and your brothers like to color pages and pages of pictures dedicated to you :)

I love how portable newborns are :)

 Your first morning at home with the big brothers.

Milo, the first time Max held you he said, "he's so cute I feel like I'm gonna cry."  He's been so good with you and I told him that he'll make a good daddy someday.  But he said, "I just want to become a big brother again and again...it's the best."

Sullivan is very attentive and sweet to you too.  He told me "I love this new baby, mom.  You definitely got the right one."  I agree with him :)

Lots of love in this house!

Its gotten real.

Having four kids "5-and-under" is no joke.  Things have gotten real, REAL fast in the Murray household with the addition of our sweet Milo.

There's more noise, less sleep, tested patience and just general pandemonium at times.  But even with all of that...we're celebrating the chaos...because the endless, boundless love that each individual child brings to our family is worth the growing pains a million times over.  

And truthfully, it's been easier than I thought it would be since the "bigs" have welcomed their littlest brother with open arms.  We've had no jealousy issues at all.  It's basically just me being needed in so many ways at the same time...Milo wants to eat...Fletcher needs help with his shoes...Sully wants me to do a puzzle with him...and Max wants to practice his reading.  I just take a deep breath and thank God that these are my struggles.  Four beautiful, healthy children need me.  I feel extremely fortunate.  And one by one each need is met.  We're all learning the art of patience.

Yes, having four young ones has pushed me to my capacity in many ways, but my capacity for love continues to grow.  There is infinite room in my heart for these sweet, messy, loud little babes.  

So, I've made the decision to surrender to the wildness. 

Sometimes you just have to lay on the floor with the cheerio crumbs and let the crazy consume you ;)  

Early morning hijinks.

Because I know I won't always be so needed.  Milo will sleep through the night sooner than I can imagine at this current sleep-deprived moment.  Fletcher will stop throwing everything within his reach and boldly disobeying me as his hobby.  (The older two certainly did at some point.)
It won't always be like this.  And that actually makes me more sad than happy.

Plaza Art Fair. You can't really see him, but sweaty baby #4 is snuggled in the carrier :)

 Max. Sullivan. Fletcher. Milo.

You four boys fill up my life more than you can imagine.  

I found myself when I became a mother. 

It's without a doubt the thing I was made for.

I love each of you to the far-reaching corners of my heart.
xo

Momma

A soul so new.

Milo.  

You are...

a joy,

a beginning,

a dream come true,

You are...
ours.

Quick (censored ;)) details:
My water broke at 4:30pm on 9/1 and Milo was born 4 hours later via the fastest, hardest labor I've experienced so far.   Getting to the hospital was like a scene from a movie - we dropped the boys with our neighbor and drove through rush hour traffic to the hospital.  I was the woman in the wheelchair screaming for an epidural the moment I was wheeled off the elevator.

Fortunately (but also, unfortunately) he was born facing up instead of face down like babies are supposed to be...which is what bought us a little extra time...but also made for a much more difficult and painful labor.  It was very different from my previous three 18+ hour labors.
But, oh, the end result was so worth it as always...

I'm currently still in baby lala land.  

It's a place of both exhaustion and euphoria.  

I'm existing purely on adrenaline and love and a feeling of achievement.  

And if I didn't have so much help from family and friends I'm sure I'd be crashing soon.

Even the fourth time around, the breath-taking love overwhelms me.
I have fallen madly, deeply for this little boy.

The brothers are thrilled.  They LOVE him.  Maybe too much, because the biggest fight around here these days is who gets to hold Milo next and for how long.  And Fletcher thinks Milo belongs to him.  It's been so sweet to watch him become a big brother (although the instinct didn't kick in until we arrived home from the hospital).

Here we go.  Ready for the real world!

 Milo, we can't imagine our family without you in it.  Welcome to the fun little guy :)

Happy Heart

This Valentine's Day we have a very sweet surprise...
Love is growing in the Murray household!   

Sweetheart #4 is due in early September and we couldn't be more excited for him/her to join our family :)

The boys decorated early Valentine's cards to to announce the news :)  

We hand-delivered them with flowers to our parents and mailed the rest to our immediate family.

Love, love, love.  Love is all you need...

the Murray clan